True value doesn’t come from how others see us; it comes from knowing who we are.
Sometimes the most important lessons are taught in unexpected places, by unforeseen people and in unpredicted ways. A recent experience provided such a reminder…even if it wasn’t a lesson I wanted to receive. Let me explain.
With my kids’ cousins in town and an overnight sleepover planned, I snuck out to surprise them with ice cream. After placing the order at a drive-thru for nine ice cream concretes, I followed the line of cars as we inched closer to the window.
Eventually, the window opened, a young woman restated the price, and I reached out to hand her my card. She extended her hand to take the payment, but in seeing my hand, she snapped hers back and belted out loudly, “Oh my gosh!”
The awkward exchange continued as she simply stared dumfounded at my hand and the card still held toward her, with neither of us speaking or moving. With a line of cars growing behind me and a bag of ice cream melting in front of her, I finally broke the silence by telling her, “Oh, it’s alright. I won’t eat all this ice cream by myself. Just bringing it back to my kids and their cousins.”
She haltingly reached forward, took the payment, ran the card, handed it back, then gave me the bag of ice cream. The window shut. No words exchanged; no eye contact made.
My friends, almost four decades after being burned, I’m relatively confident in my own skin. I’m comfortable with children staring, little kids asking questions and the occasional double-takes from adults.
After marrying Beth, raising four amazing kids, writing bestselling books and producing a movie about my story, most people likely assume I’m immune from these types of awkward experiences.
The truth is, though, rejection always hurts. Regardless how long it’s been, what I’ve accomplished or how strong I might pretend to be, feeling “less than” always sears.
I went home that night, rounded up the kids, passed out ice cream, put on a smile and acted gregarious. Inwardly, however, I stirred in sadness and self-pity.
Hours later, after the ice cream had been devoured and the kids put to bed, I struggled sleeping. Not because one woman gawked at me and not because it happens far more frequently than I’d like to admit, but because her reaction wasn’t wrong. Scarred arms and a fingerless hand passing a payment through a window? Well, that is startling.
She wasn’t passing judgement on me. She was reinforcing what I already knew and struggle with from time to time about my own worth and value.
And yet, my friends, where does value originate? Is it your good looks and perfect manicure? Is it your trophies, degrees, income level? Maybe it’s your family or friends or social media following?
If so, what happens when that stuff is taken away? What happens as beauty wanes, trophies rust, degrees no longer impress or money fades? What happens when the children launch from the house, the spouse leaves, friends get preoccupied, or the likes stop coming?
My emotional wrestling that sleepless night wasn’t with ice cream or some lady serving it, but with understanding personal value.
Yet, finally returning to bed, I recognized that at the end of the day, what ultimately gives our life value isn’t the approval of others and their compliments, and what removes value isn’t their gawking or gasping.
No, real value is found in embracing your intrinsic worth and knowing you aren’t here by accident. Real freedom is discovered in recognizing that your scars don’t define you, that your life is a gift and that you were fearfully and wonderfully made.
So here’s my challenge to you this week: Don’t chase the affirmation of others. Don’t live for likes, for applause, or for fitting in. And don’t play small with the one life you have.
My friends, we were made for so much more and our best is yet to come.
Now that’s something worth loading up the car, going out to celebrate and getting some ice cream for.
This is your day. Live Inspired.
25 replies on “Seen, Scarred and Still Worthy”
So worth reading and pondering on it
Josh Baldwin’s song “I know Who I Am” resonated in my mind as I read these words. Thank you for your humility and vulnerability, and thank you for sharing this story! We all have so much to be thankful for as we all have been wonderfully made (in His image). God is good!
Amen John, well said!
WOW! I feel I have lost my self worth. Because of aging, multiple surgeries and being unable to perform many daily activities, I feel alone. However, I have learned there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am loved by my family but unable to hold my first great-granddaughter because of pain. This in itself makes me so sad and mad at the same time. I need worldly inspiration and hope your book and insights will be the inspiration I need to look for the good and quit feeling sorry for myself all the time. I have so much to be grateful for, however being unable to participate in life because of physical pain I just feel useless. God bless you and your journey.
Excellent reading! Thanks John!
It’s my guess that she thought about that exchange and may be beating herself up for how she reacted. As your story plays out in theaters this fall it wouldn’t surprise me that she sees it and realizes “oh my gosh that was him”. I’ve been waiting for it since you started filming.
Met you in Ft. Worth in October 2017. Read your book and continue to try to inspire others. Can’t wait to catch the movie with family and friends. Fate and faith can be wonderful partners in life. You are the example of a beautiful partnership.
Love you, John! You have inspired thousands, including me. Your life is a blessing.
“I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works….”Psalm 139:14
Yes, John, what a wonderful reminder that’s it’s not on the outside or what we’ve accomplished in life that matters! Thank you!!
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement.
Thank you. I had the pleasure of hearing you speak at Vail Health and you talked with me afterwards (I wear an eye patch-but you probably don’t remember me). I can relate on some level, but you’ve endured far more than I have. But THANK YOU for sharing abut your incredible journey.
With my lost vision, I often tell people how grateful I am that God allows me sight in one eye and “Who would I have been” if He didn’t allow this to happen to me. I have learned so much and grown in ways I would never have had I not experience this and other things… Who would I have been? Still a child of God-loved and cherished by Him but He has shown me a depth of caring for others I might not have otherwise learned. thank you John for impacting so many lives, including mine.
Inspiring as always. Thank you for expressing what we all feel, that continuing need for validation, when we really need to look inwardly to find real value and meaning.
John,
As another person scarred on the outside, scarred in some of our actions towards others, it is good to be reminded of the work we can still do for others and spread His promise. Thank you for your continued example.
So beautiful …. so relatable.. thank you.
With my oldest heading off to college this coming weekend, I was thinking about what to say, and it was right along these lines. Your value isn’t determined by others, you have value, and not everyone will see it. You need to see it in yourself.
Thank you John O’Leary for this message that spoke to my heart this morning. As a grandmother who said goodbye to my three Florida grandchildren last week and who have three adult children on their own and in distant locations, I long to be seen and to be a vital part of their lives. My heart aches. I know, as you said, that my true value lies in my relationship with my Lord Jesus and He fills my emptiness with love and the desire to reach out and serve right where I am when I’m feeling lonely. I can’t muster that up on my own. I need His Holy Spirit filling me every day. Thank you for your messages of hope and courage that point to the value of relationships more than anything else. My husband and I enjoyed seeing you at Ronnie’s last week for the preview of On Fire. You are truly a gift to our world!
Thanks for sharing this vulnerable post, John. I wonder if and hope that the young woman paused and evaluated her reaction as well. For us Christians, we know we’ve got an amazing God who loves and cherishes us far beyond our earthly value (1 Samuel 16:7 …”For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”) and what a glorious heart for good you have. But, we’re human, and interactions like this still sting. We can all relate in some shape or form to feeling less than (one of the more recent physical instances for me was when I lost my husband suddenly in a car crash several years ago and I was left with that trauma and young daughters to raise, and I lost at least 50% of my hair- trauma induced alopecia – quite noticeable for my thick, long brunette locks-think 1990s Jersey big hair- and boy did I feel ugly and sick and less than while dealing with the fallout of grief, and people noticed, stared, and commented, and the knowing that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, that I was a great Mom and daughter and friend and smart, successful corporate worker, a woman who raised many funds to create orphanages for children, etc. still did not at times outweigh those hurtful stares and comments). But, I allowed myself to feel that hurt for a minute- that means we’re human- but double down on my faith and in who God says I am. At the end of the day, the joy and glory of life are from being loved and loving and growing in this earthly experience, and yes, knowing our beautiful, amazing, intrinsic value above all. Thank you.
Thank you John…. no playing ‘small’ this week! We appreciate your transparency, it helps us all!!
Thank you for the reminder, John. We all age, change, and have aspects of ourselves that can mentally occupy our headspace, which is better used for being present and living purposefully. I want you to know that I see you living your purpose, and I’m better because of it.
John, I’m so sorry you have to experience that so frequently! I’m very thankful you have overcome and are truly inspired to share your stories–still. Thank you for being an inspiration to us all!
A lesson learned
Beautifully said !
Thank you!!! I am going through alot right now in my life. I have lost my job and my wife informed me our bills are piling up. We have two kids who are in their 20s and going through their struggles as well. I have searched high and low for employment. I have been praying for a miracle.
Just what I needed first thing this morning! Thank you for another beautiful reminder my friend!
Another awesome reminder: Don’t chase the affirmation of others. Don’t live for likes, for applause, or for fitting in. And don’t play small with the one life you have.